If they only knew...

With the holidays upon us, we're starting off the round of family get-togethers this weekend. We'll be seeing family members we only see once a year. Last year at this time we were just getting ready for our first visit with Zoey and announcing the news to our family that we would be adopting a 15 year old daughter. This news was met with both excitement and skepticism, which is perfectly understandable. As this year has gone by, we've kept closer family informed of all the vital developments - visits, breakthroughs, when Zoey moved in, etc. But only those that really knew Zoey, our parents and siblings mostly, got the phone calls when we had to call the police, which initially resulted in trips to the ER and eventually to juvenile detention. As Zoey's behavior escalated, there were times when I thought to myself "man! If only so-and-so knew what I was dealing with!" I imagine people would be perplexed as to why I would subject myself to such horrible circumstances, but I also imagine that once the shock wears off, if they could understand just a fraction of what and why I choose this, I'd like to think they'd say to themselves "Wow, I never knew how strong April is!" That's when I'd say "no, I'm not any more or less strong than you. I just made up my mind to do something and you could, too."

With the weekend approaching, not to mention I have to get my cards sent out, I've thought about whether or not to share this blog with my family. Our silence with the majority of our family has served the motive to protect Zoey. We didn't want family members to hate her for some of the nasty things she's done. But eventually, people will know. I do intend, after all, to write this book. And of course I hope that my family will read it. And not that it really matters, but I hope they would be proud of the choice I've made, or perhaps more importantly inspired.

Here's a moment that happened last night that inspired me - I tucked Zoey in and she gave me a big hug and said "I'm so glad you're my mom!" I, of course, replied with "and I'm so glad you're my daughter!" She's, we're all, doing so great lately. We've had a few snags since she was last in jail, but no police calls and sometimes there's a change that you just hear, and see, and notice in each moment. That's where we are. We're all just.....at ease. And it feels GRRRREAT! Our family therapist and I are even wondering if we really need attachment therapy anymore. I don't know. Why fix it if it ain't broke? But then again, I imagine Zoey's behaviors could be cyclical. After only a year and us being the first ones to stick with her, we have no way of knowing for sure. Really, it doesn't matter. If she gets out of control again, we'll just do what we've done for the past year, make it through it. That's what real parents do. I have faith, though, in Zoey. Zoey's my life, love, and God child. Life, love, and God endure. So has Zoey and so will she continue to. She's not alone anymore and able to twist and turn life, love, and God all up into craziness, she's got her Dad and I standing strong beside her. She might fight that or forget that from time to time throughout her life, but the truth that we're here will always be there for her to come back to.

Which brings me back to our families. I love all of these people so much. Dan's uncle passed away last week. Our weekend plans to celebrate Christmas grew to include 2 more days away from home to attend his funeral. We're leaving tonight after school and will be gone until Sunday. Zoey will be meeting alot of new faces during the next 5 or 6 days. I think it's going to go well. We're all such wonderful people after all! LOL Someday my family's going to read this, someday Zoey will read this, and if you all only know one thing let it be this - know love. Know you are loved. Know you can love - even those that seem completely unlovable. Zoey reminds me of this daily. Everyone should have a Zoey - but until then I'm happy to share mine!

;)

Waiting, waiting, waiting....

Don't ask me what provoked me to visit the Minnesota's Waiting Children website just a few minutes ago, but I did and now I must spill my feelings.

I happened to come across a woman on TV that has adopted like 15, or maybe it was 17, children. Thirteen of whom have Down's. Knowing the mom of a large family now myself, I'm finding that large families really intrigue me. So I Googled the woman on TV, read more about her and her family and then found myself visiting MN's Waiting Children for the first time in nearly six months. I hadn't looked at those faces since shortly after Zoey moved in and I checked to see if she had been removed from the list of available kids. Earlier in the evening I had thought to myself "I wonder how long they'd make us wait to adopt again?" To be perfectly honest, I haven't been sure lately about future plans to adopt or even to foster. We have one hell of a hard kid right now (now I could make the joke - and a toddler OR and a 16 year old) Point being I have 2 demanding kids as it is! Could I really survive any more? As the website loaded and I began to scroll through the faces, many all too familiar as they've been on there for years now, rationality seemed to escape me and all I could feel was anger and sadness. With each passing day these kids get closer and closer to aging out. It makes me so frustrated. I then realized that unless I dig my head into the sand and forget I know about these kids, these waiting children, how can I not adopt more? Not only that, but I am "experienced" now. I have needed skills and strengths to parent these terribly hurt and demanding kids. The quote "if not now, when? if not you, who?" comes to mind.

Dan and I would like to have at least one more biological child. I'd like to experience being pregnant again and we'd like to try for a son, even Zoey has been asking me almost daily now when will we have another baby. I think it is too soon to try right now, I just don't think I could handle being pregnant now and in the immediate future, but we know we'd like at least one more. I'd try to do an infant adoption, since I believe so much in adoption, but I would like to be pregnant one more time. I enjoyed my pregnancy with Maddie so much I actually miss it! Maddie and I were getting dressed today, just doing normal routine things and I just had this moment when I said to myself "this is your bliss." I can be with my kids doing nothing really and feel so joyful. They definitely drive me nuts but I wouldn't trade them for anything. I'm wondering now if I have what it takes to adopt more. Not 15. I'll leave that to the pro's! *waving at Paula* But there is an adorable sibling group of 4....