With the holidays upon us, we're starting off the round of family get-togethers this weekend. We'll be seeing family members we only see once a year. Last year at this time we were just getting ready for our first visit with Zoey and announcing the news to our family that we would be adopting a 15 year old daughter. This news was met with both excitement and skepticism, which is perfectly understandable. As this year has gone by, we've kept closer family informed of all the vital developments - visits, breakthroughs, when Zoey moved in, etc. But only those that really knew Zoey, our parents and siblings mostly, got the phone calls when we had to call the police, which initially resulted in trips to the ER and eventually to juvenile detention. As Zoey's behavior escalated, there were times when I thought to myself "man! If only so-and-so knew what I was dealing with!" I imagine people would be perplexed as to why I would subject myself to such horrible circumstances, but I also imagine that once the shock wears off, if they could understand just a fraction of what and why I choose this, I'd like to think they'd say to themselves "Wow, I never knew how strong April is!" That's when I'd say "no, I'm not any more or less strong than you. I just made up my mind to do something and you could, too."
With the weekend approaching, not to mention I have to get my cards sent out, I've thought about whether or not to share this blog with my family. Our silence with the majority of our family has served the motive to protect Zoey. We didn't want family members to hate her for some of the nasty things she's done. But eventually, people will know. I do intend, after all, to write this book. And of course I hope that my family will read it. And not that it really matters, but I hope they would be proud of the choice I've made, or perhaps more importantly inspired.
Here's a moment that happened last night that inspired me - I tucked Zoey in and she gave me a big hug and said "I'm so glad you're my mom!" I, of course, replied with "and I'm so glad you're my daughter!" She's, we're all, doing so great lately. We've had a few snags since she was last in jail, but no police calls and sometimes there's a change that you just hear, and see, and notice in each moment. That's where we are. We're all just.....at ease. And it feels GRRRREAT! Our family therapist and I are even wondering if we really need attachment therapy anymore. I don't know. Why fix it if it ain't broke? But then again, I imagine Zoey's behaviors could be cyclical. After only a year and us being the first ones to stick with her, we have no way of knowing for sure. Really, it doesn't matter. If she gets out of control again, we'll just do what we've done for the past year, make it through it. That's what real parents do. I have faith, though, in Zoey. Zoey's my life, love, and God child. Life, love, and God endure. So has Zoey and so will she continue to. She's not alone anymore and able to twist and turn life, love, and God all up into craziness, she's got her Dad and I standing strong beside her. She might fight that or forget that from time to time throughout her life, but the truth that we're here will always be there for her to come back to.
Which brings me back to our families. I love all of these people so much. Dan's uncle passed away last week. Our weekend plans to celebrate Christmas grew to include 2 more days away from home to attend his funeral. We're leaving tonight after school and will be gone until Sunday. Zoey will be meeting alot of new faces during the next 5 or 6 days. I think it's going to go well. We're all such wonderful people after all! LOL Someday my family's going to read this, someday Zoey will read this, and if you all only know one thing let it be this - know love. Know you are loved. Know you can love - even those that seem completely unlovable. Zoey reminds me of this daily. Everyone should have a Zoey - but until then I'm happy to share mine!
;)
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Waiting, waiting, waiting....
Don't ask me what provoked me to visit the Minnesota's Waiting Children website just a few minutes ago, but I did and now I must spill my feelings.
I happened to come across a woman on TV that has adopted like 15, or maybe it was 17, children. Thirteen of whom have Down's. Knowing the mom of a large family now myself, I'm finding that large families really intrigue me. So I Googled the woman on TV, read more about her and her family and then found myself visiting MN's Waiting Children for the first time in nearly six months. I hadn't looked at those faces since shortly after Zoey moved in and I checked to see if she had been removed from the list of available kids. Earlier in the evening I had thought to myself "I wonder how long they'd make us wait to adopt again?" To be perfectly honest, I haven't been sure lately about future plans to adopt or even to foster. We have one hell of a hard kid right now (now I could make the joke - and a toddler OR and a 16 year old) Point being I have 2 demanding kids as it is! Could I really survive any more? As the website loaded and I began to scroll through the faces, many all too familiar as they've been on there for years now, rationality seemed to escape me and all I could feel was anger and sadness. With each passing day these kids get closer and closer to aging out. It makes me so frustrated. I then realized that unless I dig my head into the sand and forget I know about these kids, these waiting children, how can I not adopt more? Not only that, but I am "experienced" now. I have needed skills and strengths to parent these terribly hurt and demanding kids. The quote "if not now, when? if not you, who?" comes to mind.
Dan and I would like to have at least one more biological child. I'd like to experience being pregnant again and we'd like to try for a son, even Zoey has been asking me almost daily now when will we have another baby. I think it is too soon to try right now, I just don't think I could handle being pregnant now and in the immediate future, but we know we'd like at least one more. I'd try to do an infant adoption, since I believe so much in adoption, but I would like to be pregnant one more time. I enjoyed my pregnancy with Maddie so much I actually miss it! Maddie and I were getting dressed today, just doing normal routine things and I just had this moment when I said to myself "this is your bliss." I can be with my kids doing nothing really and feel so joyful. They definitely drive me nuts but I wouldn't trade them for anything. I'm wondering now if I have what it takes to adopt more. Not 15. I'll leave that to the pro's! *waving at Paula* But there is an adorable sibling group of 4....
I happened to come across a woman on TV that has adopted like 15, or maybe it was 17, children. Thirteen of whom have Down's. Knowing the mom of a large family now myself, I'm finding that large families really intrigue me. So I Googled the woman on TV, read more about her and her family and then found myself visiting MN's Waiting Children for the first time in nearly six months. I hadn't looked at those faces since shortly after Zoey moved in and I checked to see if she had been removed from the list of available kids. Earlier in the evening I had thought to myself "I wonder how long they'd make us wait to adopt again?" To be perfectly honest, I haven't been sure lately about future plans to adopt or even to foster. We have one hell of a hard kid right now (now I could make the joke - and a toddler OR and a 16 year old) Point being I have 2 demanding kids as it is! Could I really survive any more? As the website loaded and I began to scroll through the faces, many all too familiar as they've been on there for years now, rationality seemed to escape me and all I could feel was anger and sadness. With each passing day these kids get closer and closer to aging out. It makes me so frustrated. I then realized that unless I dig my head into the sand and forget I know about these kids, these waiting children, how can I not adopt more? Not only that, but I am "experienced" now. I have needed skills and strengths to parent these terribly hurt and demanding kids. The quote "if not now, when? if not you, who?" comes to mind.
Dan and I would like to have at least one more biological child. I'd like to experience being pregnant again and we'd like to try for a son, even Zoey has been asking me almost daily now when will we have another baby. I think it is too soon to try right now, I just don't think I could handle being pregnant now and in the immediate future, but we know we'd like at least one more. I'd try to do an infant adoption, since I believe so much in adoption, but I would like to be pregnant one more time. I enjoyed my pregnancy with Maddie so much I actually miss it! Maddie and I were getting dressed today, just doing normal routine things and I just had this moment when I said to myself "this is your bliss." I can be with my kids doing nothing really and feel so joyful. They definitely drive me nuts but I wouldn't trade them for anything. I'm wondering now if I have what it takes to adopt more. Not 15. I'll leave that to the pro's! *waving at Paula* But there is an adorable sibling group of 4....
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Raising the bar
Zoey's been home about 3 weeks now. It's been pretty smooth sailing, I must say. We had an "episode" last night which seemed to be heading in a unfortunate direction. Zoey put up a fight over doing the dishes which resulted in her loosing her stereo and being assigned more sentences to write - after saying I could "F off" Sunday evening, she needs to write 5 pages of "Disrespect will get me nowhere."
I also had to lock her glasses up in my desk drawer because she was throwing them and threatening to break them. Interestingly, I have a destruction of property rule that didn't include eye glasses until last night. LOL I quickly thought up a consequence, necessity being the mother of invention and all. Deliberate destruction of property costs twice the replacement value, so I guess glasses would be a couple hundred dollars for her to replace. I could have my house sparkling! LOL I wouldn't have to clean a thing myself for a couple of months! hehehe
She screamed at me, pulled some of the usual punches in an attempt to make me feel as out of control as she does. Finally, I just looked her in the eye and said "in about 30 seconds, you're going to be screaming at yourself because I refuse to be talked to in this way and I am not going to sit here and take this." Then I got up and calmly walked away. She sat there and cried, which is an improvement over her following me around the house to continue her verbal assaults, what she generally does. After a few minutes, she calmed down and completed half the dishes - vowing to finish the rest today, which she did. I don't like making that kind of compromise, but sometimes I gotta do what works and if I can avoid pushing her beyond her limit, I will.
She had no privileges last night and before bed she read to me. I bought the girls a 'Precious Moments' book of prayers and little inspirational stories last Easter, I chose that book for her to read. This regression strategy is really working well. We encourage reading simpler stories, playing with dolls, anything that helps regress her and get her back to earlier developmental stages. I haven't even heard her talk about boys in about a week! Hooray she's playing with dolls instead!
As she does better and we are seeing that, yes, she can control herself, we're gently raising the bar. I push a little harder when I can and she's allowed a bad day here and there, she is afterall a 15 year old and I would want the same allowance for messing up on days that I'm in a pissy mood. But, overall, she seems to be doing very well and has been more receptive than ever to changing her self-destructive ways. It's good and I'm enjoying every minute of it!
I also had to lock her glasses up in my desk drawer because she was throwing them and threatening to break them. Interestingly, I have a destruction of property rule that didn't include eye glasses until last night. LOL I quickly thought up a consequence, necessity being the mother of invention and all. Deliberate destruction of property costs twice the replacement value, so I guess glasses would be a couple hundred dollars for her to replace. I could have my house sparkling! LOL I wouldn't have to clean a thing myself for a couple of months! hehehe
She screamed at me, pulled some of the usual punches in an attempt to make me feel as out of control as she does. Finally, I just looked her in the eye and said "in about 30 seconds, you're going to be screaming at yourself because I refuse to be talked to in this way and I am not going to sit here and take this." Then I got up and calmly walked away. She sat there and cried, which is an improvement over her following me around the house to continue her verbal assaults, what she generally does. After a few minutes, she calmed down and completed half the dishes - vowing to finish the rest today, which she did. I don't like making that kind of compromise, but sometimes I gotta do what works and if I can avoid pushing her beyond her limit, I will.
She had no privileges last night and before bed she read to me. I bought the girls a 'Precious Moments' book of prayers and little inspirational stories last Easter, I chose that book for her to read. This regression strategy is really working well. We encourage reading simpler stories, playing with dolls, anything that helps regress her and get her back to earlier developmental stages. I haven't even heard her talk about boys in about a week! Hooray she's playing with dolls instead!
As she does better and we are seeing that, yes, she can control herself, we're gently raising the bar. I push a little harder when I can and she's allowed a bad day here and there, she is afterall a 15 year old and I would want the same allowance for messing up on days that I'm in a pissy mood. But, overall, she seems to be doing very well and has been more receptive than ever to changing her self-destructive ways. It's good and I'm enjoying every minute of it!
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Kicking Zoey out of MySpace!
Welcome to my new blog! I had been sharing this story on my MySpace, but I decided to let MySpace be for me, as it is called MySpace. LOL Also, I don't think my friends there always know what to say to the far out things that go on in my daily life now! Anyone wanting to follow this adventure can do so here from now on, while I save MySpace for goofing off with my friends. I'll move my blog posts over here soon. Thanks for stopping by!
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Sometimes this really sucks
*From my former blog*
Zoey landed herself back in jail Sunday evening. Her reluctance to control her temper is really biting her in the ass! We had a detention hearing yesterday, to see if she would remain in detention or come home. A unanimous decision by therapists, social workers, Mom and Dad (that would be us), and the judge means she'll be there until her next hearing scheduled for October 6th - so about 2 weeks. Everyone on her team is planning out for the worst case scenario, that she will need to be placed into a residential setting like a group home or mental health facility. This is pretty hard to swallow. We knew that ultimately, this would be a possibility. I just didn't imagine it would be so soon into our placement. The basic game plan is that she'll come home after her next hearing, she'll have another chance to prove she can make it in our home and in the community, but plans will be in place that if she commits another crime she will be removed from our care and put into a more secure environment. This is just breaking my heart because it doesn't have to be this way!!!! No one can figure out yet if she is capable of controlling herself or not. Her mental health issues are so complex and so compounded on top of one another that she has everyone involved in her care scratching their heads. Here's the deal...sometimes she controls it, sometimes she clearly doesn't and there seems to be no rhyme or reason to when she does well and when she does poorly. So maybe the times she acts appropriately is just a fluke or maybe she really can control her impluses and understands the consequences of her actions - nobody can tell for sure! Dan and I have done everything we can think of to get her under control, we've had about a 50/50 result.
If she has to live somewhere else, we'll still be her parents. That won't change. But what I'm having alot of difficulty with right now is facing the severity of her mental health issues and developmental delay. She demands to know why we place the limits on her that we do, so we make her face her "stuff" and it's making her hate us. The only alternative to what we're doing seems to be to let her do as she pleases, there seems to be only extremes with her. I feel so confused as to what to do with her. Her therapist is recommending intensive attachment therapy and my gut is kinda telling me that is the way to go. At attachment therapy, it's very intensive, like everyday-for-several-weeks intensive, and in your face. It might be a chance for us to just get it all on the table, tell her "look! You are NOT in control here for these reasons - duh, duh, duh and that's how it is and we're not going anywhere, this is your life now." At this point, I'd be willing to try about anything to wake her up. There are still some options for us to try. But in the end, if she either can't or won't participate in her own recovery, either can't or won't reach for something new and healthy, there will be nothing left for her than to remain where she is mentally and emotionally and that will mean some kind of facility for her for the rest of her life.
I knew it would be hard, but this is really a bitter pill to swallow and sometimes, this just really sucks!
Zoey landed herself back in jail Sunday evening. Her reluctance to control her temper is really biting her in the ass! We had a detention hearing yesterday, to see if she would remain in detention or come home. A unanimous decision by therapists, social workers, Mom and Dad (that would be us), and the judge means she'll be there until her next hearing scheduled for October 6th - so about 2 weeks. Everyone on her team is planning out for the worst case scenario, that she will need to be placed into a residential setting like a group home or mental health facility. This is pretty hard to swallow. We knew that ultimately, this would be a possibility. I just didn't imagine it would be so soon into our placement. The basic game plan is that she'll come home after her next hearing, she'll have another chance to prove she can make it in our home and in the community, but plans will be in place that if she commits another crime she will be removed from our care and put into a more secure environment. This is just breaking my heart because it doesn't have to be this way!!!! No one can figure out yet if she is capable of controlling herself or not. Her mental health issues are so complex and so compounded on top of one another that she has everyone involved in her care scratching their heads. Here's the deal...sometimes she controls it, sometimes she clearly doesn't and there seems to be no rhyme or reason to when she does well and when she does poorly. So maybe the times she acts appropriately is just a fluke or maybe she really can control her impluses and understands the consequences of her actions - nobody can tell for sure! Dan and I have done everything we can think of to get her under control, we've had about a 50/50 result.
If she has to live somewhere else, we'll still be her parents. That won't change. But what I'm having alot of difficulty with right now is facing the severity of her mental health issues and developmental delay. She demands to know why we place the limits on her that we do, so we make her face her "stuff" and it's making her hate us. The only alternative to what we're doing seems to be to let her do as she pleases, there seems to be only extremes with her. I feel so confused as to what to do with her. Her therapist is recommending intensive attachment therapy and my gut is kinda telling me that is the way to go. At attachment therapy, it's very intensive, like everyday-for-several-weeks intensive, and in your face. It might be a chance for us to just get it all on the table, tell her "look! You are NOT in control here for these reasons - duh, duh, duh and that's how it is and we're not going anywhere, this is your life now." At this point, I'd be willing to try about anything to wake her up. There are still some options for us to try. But in the end, if she either can't or won't participate in her own recovery, either can't or won't reach for something new and healthy, there will be nothing left for her than to remain where she is mentally and emotionally and that will mean some kind of facility for her for the rest of her life.
I knew it would be hard, but this is really a bitter pill to swallow and sometimes, this just really sucks!
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Forgiveness
*From my former blog*
Forgiveness has been on my mind quite a bit lately. Zoey's done a lot of things, said a lot of things, that have had me questioning - can I forgive, should I forgive, how do I forgive and why? I've said before in this blog that in order to do what I am doing, which is parent a survivor of abuse and neglect, you need to be willing to absorb some of it. Later caregivers of these kids end up being abused in return. It's what these kids know, it's how they learned to live and get their needs met. As twisted as it is, it is what it is. Actually, not to get off topic but, there is a term for this. It's called inducement. As it applies to adoption, as the child subconsciously begins to attach to new caregivers, they also subconsciously try to make you feel like they feel. The reason? By making you feel like they feel, they begin to process their traumas, to heal their wounds. It's slow. God is it slow. But what ends up happening is eventually they begin to realize that you are strong enough to walk through their trauma with them. Feelings are allowed to surface, to be talked about, to get worked through. By enduring the abuse these kids hurl at you, you're showing them "I'm strong enough to stand the ugliness of what happened to you, and I'm strong enough to love you anyway and I'm strong enough to stay with you until you're strong too." It's quite genius I think. The ultimate in self defense strategies - only attach to someone capable of helping you survive and ultimately thrive. Part of it is also just learned and self serving behavior, but underneath that lies inducement - "Are you strong enough to stand this ugliness within me?" And really, we all do this. We all induce one another to feel as we feel. It's an act of our subconscious generally. What I've found, and what I learned from the expert that taught me about it initially about a year ago (before we were in process with Zoey) is that inducement can radically change when you bring into the conscious level. Confronted with what's really going on allows people to make new choices in their attempts to be accepted by others. The possibility for finding out "Hey, this person does accept me and all my imperfections!" exists without making others feel the force of those imperfections. But that takes a hell of a lot of inner strength and confidence to have faith in that, once you know you were doing it, to cease doing it. If only because inducement provides proof. "Well if I just abused this person and they're still here, that proves that they're strong." And the darker and deeper one must be strong against, the darker and deeper the inducing must be. My ability to withstand Zoey's abuse must be equal to the amount she endured, minus any mercy she herself provides. No more, no less.
So as she attaches to me, as she tests my strength against the darkness inside of her, she needs me to feel like she feels. Only I don't. I've got a lot of tools shielding me from ever feeling that defeated, that damaged. One of those tools is forgiveness. She has made attempt after attempt to reject me, to destroy my well being, to destroy my desire to be her mother. Vile, disgusting things spew out of her mouth (and her eyes, too, actually) and it would scare the hell out of me if I let it. For a small built, 15 year old girl that at times regresses to child-like characteristics, she is capable of hatred so intense it actually feels a bit demonic. That's pretty creepy. But I don't believe in demons. I believe in Zoey - again interchangeable with zoe meaning life, love, and God. There's no demon in there waiting to jump out and devour my soul. It's just a kid, with more reason than anyone I've ever known to be the way she is now. Given her circumstances, it all actually does make sense. How can we expect her to act any differently until she has reason not to? In fact, I'm surprised there's anything left for us to work with! Which once again demonstrates the unbelievable power of the human spirit. Clearly our girl has a will to live or she wouldn't have made it to us.
Knowing why she acts the way she does and says the things she says doesn't make it painless though. She called me a slut the other day and a part of me wanted to shout back "if you ever call me that again…!" but I didn't have an ending. What - I'd slap her silly? Nope. Not my style and someone else probably beat me to it. Call her a slut back? Also, not my style and definitely already taken by figures in the past. I simply didn't have a way to top it, so I had nowhere to go but away from the power it had over me, I had no payoff for being mad. So I laughed. Me? A slut? Oh God if people only knew! I am and I'm not - which does exist by the way. I'm naughty and nice. But in the way she was using it - no way! So it was ridiculous and absurd, which made it worthy of being laughed at. There are other things she's said to make me feel "less than," things that have stung sharply, lines crossed that I'm sure others would have given up over…did give up over. But I stay focused on Zoey. There's life in there, there's love in there, God is in there! Someone must be strong enough to remember that about her until she remember's it herself.
In the mean time, I've set my ability to forgive on auto-pilot. What I mean is that I don't give a whole lot of energy to what she says and does, other than looking for successful means to curb her maladaptive behavior that is. I let it slip off my shoulders, take as little personally as possible, laugh when I came. I decided to love her when I made the claim and love leaves very little room for being offended. I do what I can to keep her accountable. She's felt a lot lately like I've been holding a grudge against her. I must be honest, with her abuse growing in intensity and frequency lately, it's been getting real hard to enjoy her company. I never know when a good moment will flip out into a bad one. I just decide beforehand that no matter what happens, no matter how big the offense, she's mine to love unconditionally, which includes forgiveness. I may need to involve the police but she'll always have me, she'll always have my love and my acceptance - as any child should.
All this thinking I did on this subject, which I plan to use for my book, led me to think about another in my life that I could forgive. A couple of months ago, two friends of mine and I managed to get tangled up in an argument that got, in my opinion, quite ugly. It ended up being really cathartic for me. I learned a lot about myself, as a friend and as a person in general, that empowered me in the end. I really struggled with this, though. I was very hurt by things that were said, but it also compelled me to stop thinking about writing my book and to actually start doing it. I made the decision to be a bit more guarded in who I talk to about my life and also to use a bit more scrutiny in evaluating my relationships with people, as sometimes friends aren't as close with you as you might like or imagine them to be. But sometimes, the opposite is true also. I thought the fallout of this fiasco would be a total loss, but to my surprise I got a text message in the middle of trying on clothes in the Shopko dressing room that made my day! An apology. An admission of acting badly. A request for forgiveness. Of course! Of course! I just wanted my friend back. I can see the imperfections and love people anyway. *shrug* That's if they're even imperfections anyway…more like just being human I'd say. I didn't know what to text back. I wanted to be graceful and serene, well that and jump up and down with excitement (hey, I missed these people!), but I just smiled. People act badly. We all do things that end up necessitating our need to even ask for forgiveness. But there's no growth in saying no to that request. I see it this way, if we want to keep moving forward, if we want to do that with companions, we just got to let the shit go. Of this I am certain. One time I was really pissed at my brother, but he was on his way home after being gone awhile. I was so happy to be seeing him again, but really pissed over a choice he had made. I didn't know what to do with that anger at him, the answer that ended up coming to me was this "just love 'em." It was so simple, but yet so profound. And so true. When you make the choice to love, you make the choice to let nothing stand in your way of loving - you let the shit go, hold onto love instead. After all, "he that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if he would ever reach heaven; for everyone has need to be forgiven."
Namaste, my friends, namaste.
Forgiveness has been on my mind quite a bit lately. Zoey's done a lot of things, said a lot of things, that have had me questioning - can I forgive, should I forgive, how do I forgive and why? I've said before in this blog that in order to do what I am doing, which is parent a survivor of abuse and neglect, you need to be willing to absorb some of it. Later caregivers of these kids end up being abused in return. It's what these kids know, it's how they learned to live and get their needs met. As twisted as it is, it is what it is. Actually, not to get off topic but, there is a term for this. It's called inducement. As it applies to adoption, as the child subconsciously begins to attach to new caregivers, they also subconsciously try to make you feel like they feel. The reason? By making you feel like they feel, they begin to process their traumas, to heal their wounds. It's slow. God is it slow. But what ends up happening is eventually they begin to realize that you are strong enough to walk through their trauma with them. Feelings are allowed to surface, to be talked about, to get worked through. By enduring the abuse these kids hurl at you, you're showing them "I'm strong enough to stand the ugliness of what happened to you, and I'm strong enough to love you anyway and I'm strong enough to stay with you until you're strong too." It's quite genius I think. The ultimate in self defense strategies - only attach to someone capable of helping you survive and ultimately thrive. Part of it is also just learned and self serving behavior, but underneath that lies inducement - "Are you strong enough to stand this ugliness within me?" And really, we all do this. We all induce one another to feel as we feel. It's an act of our subconscious generally. What I've found, and what I learned from the expert that taught me about it initially about a year ago (before we were in process with Zoey) is that inducement can radically change when you bring into the conscious level. Confronted with what's really going on allows people to make new choices in their attempts to be accepted by others. The possibility for finding out "Hey, this person does accept me and all my imperfections!" exists without making others feel the force of those imperfections. But that takes a hell of a lot of inner strength and confidence to have faith in that, once you know you were doing it, to cease doing it. If only because inducement provides proof. "Well if I just abused this person and they're still here, that proves that they're strong." And the darker and deeper one must be strong against, the darker and deeper the inducing must be. My ability to withstand Zoey's abuse must be equal to the amount she endured, minus any mercy she herself provides. No more, no less.
So as she attaches to me, as she tests my strength against the darkness inside of her, she needs me to feel like she feels. Only I don't. I've got a lot of tools shielding me from ever feeling that defeated, that damaged. One of those tools is forgiveness. She has made attempt after attempt to reject me, to destroy my well being, to destroy my desire to be her mother. Vile, disgusting things spew out of her mouth (and her eyes, too, actually) and it would scare the hell out of me if I let it. For a small built, 15 year old girl that at times regresses to child-like characteristics, she is capable of hatred so intense it actually feels a bit demonic. That's pretty creepy. But I don't believe in demons. I believe in Zoey - again interchangeable with zoe meaning life, love, and God. There's no demon in there waiting to jump out and devour my soul. It's just a kid, with more reason than anyone I've ever known to be the way she is now. Given her circumstances, it all actually does make sense. How can we expect her to act any differently until she has reason not to? In fact, I'm surprised there's anything left for us to work with! Which once again demonstrates the unbelievable power of the human spirit. Clearly our girl has a will to live or she wouldn't have made it to us.
Knowing why she acts the way she does and says the things she says doesn't make it painless though. She called me a slut the other day and a part of me wanted to shout back "if you ever call me that again…!" but I didn't have an ending. What - I'd slap her silly? Nope. Not my style and someone else probably beat me to it. Call her a slut back? Also, not my style and definitely already taken by figures in the past. I simply didn't have a way to top it, so I had nowhere to go but away from the power it had over me, I had no payoff for being mad. So I laughed. Me? A slut? Oh God if people only knew! I am and I'm not - which does exist by the way. I'm naughty and nice. But in the way she was using it - no way! So it was ridiculous and absurd, which made it worthy of being laughed at. There are other things she's said to make me feel "less than," things that have stung sharply, lines crossed that I'm sure others would have given up over…did give up over. But I stay focused on Zoey. There's life in there, there's love in there, God is in there! Someone must be strong enough to remember that about her until she remember's it herself.
In the mean time, I've set my ability to forgive on auto-pilot. What I mean is that I don't give a whole lot of energy to what she says and does, other than looking for successful means to curb her maladaptive behavior that is. I let it slip off my shoulders, take as little personally as possible, laugh when I came. I decided to love her when I made the claim and love leaves very little room for being offended. I do what I can to keep her accountable. She's felt a lot lately like I've been holding a grudge against her. I must be honest, with her abuse growing in intensity and frequency lately, it's been getting real hard to enjoy her company. I never know when a good moment will flip out into a bad one. I just decide beforehand that no matter what happens, no matter how big the offense, she's mine to love unconditionally, which includes forgiveness. I may need to involve the police but she'll always have me, she'll always have my love and my acceptance - as any child should.
All this thinking I did on this subject, which I plan to use for my book, led me to think about another in my life that I could forgive. A couple of months ago, two friends of mine and I managed to get tangled up in an argument that got, in my opinion, quite ugly. It ended up being really cathartic for me. I learned a lot about myself, as a friend and as a person in general, that empowered me in the end. I really struggled with this, though. I was very hurt by things that were said, but it also compelled me to stop thinking about writing my book and to actually start doing it. I made the decision to be a bit more guarded in who I talk to about my life and also to use a bit more scrutiny in evaluating my relationships with people, as sometimes friends aren't as close with you as you might like or imagine them to be. But sometimes, the opposite is true also. I thought the fallout of this fiasco would be a total loss, but to my surprise I got a text message in the middle of trying on clothes in the Shopko dressing room that made my day! An apology. An admission of acting badly. A request for forgiveness. Of course! Of course! I just wanted my friend back. I can see the imperfections and love people anyway. *shrug* That's if they're even imperfections anyway…more like just being human I'd say. I didn't know what to text back. I wanted to be graceful and serene, well that and jump up and down with excitement (hey, I missed these people!), but I just smiled. People act badly. We all do things that end up necessitating our need to even ask for forgiveness. But there's no growth in saying no to that request. I see it this way, if we want to keep moving forward, if we want to do that with companions, we just got to let the shit go. Of this I am certain. One time I was really pissed at my brother, but he was on his way home after being gone awhile. I was so happy to be seeing him again, but really pissed over a choice he had made. I didn't know what to do with that anger at him, the answer that ended up coming to me was this "just love 'em." It was so simple, but yet so profound. And so true. When you make the choice to love, you make the choice to let nothing stand in your way of loving - you let the shit go, hold onto love instead. After all, "he that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if he would ever reach heaven; for everyone has need to be forgiven."
Namaste, my friends, namaste.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Just Breathe
*From my former blog*
I titled this entry "Just Breathe..." because it's been a rough week and several times I've had to tell myself exactly that. The list of things I could address here is practically endless, so I'll just touch on the highlights.
Thank God school starts next week!
Zoey and I attended Open House at the high school tonight. I am so relieved summer vacation is nearly over and she will be back in school. She does so well with structure and I am very glad to have the "break" during the day while she's at school. Whether or not I will be able to get back to a fuller work schedule has yet to be determined. A few variables on that subject include whether or not she is going to settle in well enough not to be constantly calling me from school (allowing me to work undisturbed) and also whether or not I will be immersed in training to be a Certified Life Coach. Dan is supporting me on getting the training - Thank you, honey! - so now it boils down to fitting that into our budget and our schedule. If I can make it work, I will be pursuing that while keeping my hours at my current job at a very casual pace. I know my current employer is wanting to know my intentions, they've been very good these last 4 months since Zoey moved in letting me work such restricted hours, I hope to have my plan worked out soon. But for now, I'm just looking forward to next Wednesday!
Trichotillowhata?
With the start of school next week, we had to do something about Zoey's hair. The name of the condition she has developed is trichotillomania. Which is "recurrent pulling out of ones hair resulting in noticeable hair loss." At the Open House tonight, pictures were being taken for student ID's and school pictures. So, Monday morning, Zoey and I went wig shopping. We ended up finding a great looking red and black one at the Halloween store in the Mall. It's a very modern, very stylish cut and it's black and red streaks, which is a popular way of coloring these days. For $15 it looks incredibly more expensive and realistic. We needed something for pictures. This works. Earlier today, she had me cut off the remaining strands of longer hair she had. Her pulling has been mostly on the left side, but as that thinned she worked her way around to the right and back, leaving only a small patch of longer, unpulled hair. That is now gone. I tried to trim it up so it would look like she just has a very short style, it actually makes her whole head look better to have it all short as opposed to balding on one side and long on the other. She thinks it looks terrible. I wonder if that will be incentive for her to stop pulling....time will tell I guess. She did tell me before bed that it's harder for her to pull the shorter hair, so maybe it will help.
Shooting in the dark
Trichotillomania is associated with OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Among all of the other things we're dealing with, we're trying to put our fingers on exactly what Zoey's diagnoses are. We've seen more OCD behaviors, including the hair pulling and an incessant need to do things when reason might dictate otherwise; poor impulse control. I feel more like an arm chair psychiatrist than ever before! We have strong suspicions of Asperger's Syndrome as well. The list of possible conditions and disorders of this child is virtually endless! And everything seems interrelated, too! It's like "is this behavior being caused by her inability to understand because of her low IQ or is she behaving so defiantly because of ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)?" Dan said it best, it's like we're shooting in the dark. It's extremely difficult to parent a child and address challenging behaviors that we don't fully know the reason's for. But we are learning, even if we don't have accurate diagnoses, what works with her and what does not. One thing we've found helpful is to use visual means of explaining things to her, drawing a picture of something for example. In many ways, I feel like Anne Sullivan to Zoey's Hellen Keller-like situation. For 15 years this girl has had no one steady in her life to help her communicate and navigate a world she clearly doesn't understand. I find myself wondering which came first, the proverbial "Chicken or Egg" question - did her 15 years of trauma and neglect cause all of these disorders or did her disorders exsist first? Which then caused the maladaptive behavior that scared prospective caregivers away (resulting in the additional trauma of multiple abandonments) leading to further disorders! I suppose we may never know, but either way it seems almost unbearably sad. Then again, if we get a real handle on her diagnoses and treat her in a way that builds on her strengths, maybe we will see that the question isn't as important as what the result will be. If Anne and Hellen could find their way, Zoey, Dan, and I certainly have some hope.
Good things
I've worked out more this week, been getting better sleep, too. I've had more energy and more ambition to live healthy. I cleaned my den last weekend, too, and let me tell you - the difference I feel when I am in here is extraordinary! I feel like it's easier for me to focus on what I need to get done. I can now have Maddie in here with me while I'm working because there is room for her to sit and play on the floor...she still gets into things, like my books, which are on shelves low enough and open for her easy access, but it's all good. I've been staying on task so well this week, I've even been making my bed each day! I scrubbed my kitchen floor on Tuesday and have managed to keep each days chores to a manageable schedule. Zoey's even had 3 solid days of loosing NO points on her behavior modification plan! So, although life has been hectic with wrapping up the summer and trying to determine all of Zoey's disorders, we're still doing ok. We just breathe and life goes on.
I titled this entry "Just Breathe..." because it's been a rough week and several times I've had to tell myself exactly that. The list of things I could address here is practically endless, so I'll just touch on the highlights.
Thank God school starts next week!
Zoey and I attended Open House at the high school tonight. I am so relieved summer vacation is nearly over and she will be back in school. She does so well with structure and I am very glad to have the "break" during the day while she's at school. Whether or not I will be able to get back to a fuller work schedule has yet to be determined. A few variables on that subject include whether or not she is going to settle in well enough not to be constantly calling me from school (allowing me to work undisturbed) and also whether or not I will be immersed in training to be a Certified Life Coach. Dan is supporting me on getting the training - Thank you, honey! - so now it boils down to fitting that into our budget and our schedule. If I can make it work, I will be pursuing that while keeping my hours at my current job at a very casual pace. I know my current employer is wanting to know my intentions, they've been very good these last 4 months since Zoey moved in letting me work such restricted hours, I hope to have my plan worked out soon. But for now, I'm just looking forward to next Wednesday!
Trichotillowhata?
With the start of school next week, we had to do something about Zoey's hair. The name of the condition she has developed is trichotillomania. Which is "recurrent pulling out of ones hair resulting in noticeable hair loss." At the Open House tonight, pictures were being taken for student ID's and school pictures. So, Monday morning, Zoey and I went wig shopping. We ended up finding a great looking red and black one at the Halloween store in the Mall. It's a very modern, very stylish cut and it's black and red streaks, which is a popular way of coloring these days. For $15 it looks incredibly more expensive and realistic. We needed something for pictures. This works. Earlier today, she had me cut off the remaining strands of longer hair she had. Her pulling has been mostly on the left side, but as that thinned she worked her way around to the right and back, leaving only a small patch of longer, unpulled hair. That is now gone. I tried to trim it up so it would look like she just has a very short style, it actually makes her whole head look better to have it all short as opposed to balding on one side and long on the other. She thinks it looks terrible. I wonder if that will be incentive for her to stop pulling....time will tell I guess. She did tell me before bed that it's harder for her to pull the shorter hair, so maybe it will help.
Shooting in the dark
Trichotillomania is associated with OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Among all of the other things we're dealing with, we're trying to put our fingers on exactly what Zoey's diagnoses are. We've seen more OCD behaviors, including the hair pulling and an incessant need to do things when reason might dictate otherwise; poor impulse control. I feel more like an arm chair psychiatrist than ever before! We have strong suspicions of Asperger's Syndrome as well. The list of possible conditions and disorders of this child is virtually endless! And everything seems interrelated, too! It's like "is this behavior being caused by her inability to understand because of her low IQ or is she behaving so defiantly because of ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)?" Dan said it best, it's like we're shooting in the dark. It's extremely difficult to parent a child and address challenging behaviors that we don't fully know the reason's for. But we are learning, even if we don't have accurate diagnoses, what works with her and what does not. One thing we've found helpful is to use visual means of explaining things to her, drawing a picture of something for example. In many ways, I feel like Anne Sullivan to Zoey's Hellen Keller-like situation. For 15 years this girl has had no one steady in her life to help her communicate and navigate a world she clearly doesn't understand. I find myself wondering which came first, the proverbial "Chicken or Egg" question - did her 15 years of trauma and neglect cause all of these disorders or did her disorders exsist first? Which then caused the maladaptive behavior that scared prospective caregivers away (resulting in the additional trauma of multiple abandonments) leading to further disorders! I suppose we may never know, but either way it seems almost unbearably sad. Then again, if we get a real handle on her diagnoses and treat her in a way that builds on her strengths, maybe we will see that the question isn't as important as what the result will be. If Anne and Hellen could find their way, Zoey, Dan, and I certainly have some hope.
Good things
I've worked out more this week, been getting better sleep, too. I've had more energy and more ambition to live healthy. I cleaned my den last weekend, too, and let me tell you - the difference I feel when I am in here is extraordinary! I feel like it's easier for me to focus on what I need to get done. I can now have Maddie in here with me while I'm working because there is room for her to sit and play on the floor...she still gets into things, like my books, which are on shelves low enough and open for her easy access, but it's all good. I've been staying on task so well this week, I've even been making my bed each day! I scrubbed my kitchen floor on Tuesday and have managed to keep each days chores to a manageable schedule. Zoey's even had 3 solid days of loosing NO points on her behavior modification plan! So, although life has been hectic with wrapping up the summer and trying to determine all of Zoey's disorders, we're still doing ok. We just breathe and life goes on.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Mourning Missy
*From my former blog*
As Zoey becomes more our daughter, letting go of past traumas and abandonments, as she attaches more deeply to us, what filled her up before has to go somewhere. As Missy becomes Zoey her "stuff" has to be released, a little at a time. These last two nights, I've been waist deep in it. Tomorrow morning, an investigator will be coming to gather more information about the incidents that occured last spring. This has triggered PTSD-like behaviors. Before she went to bed tonight, I really thought I was going to have to call in an emergency sitter for Maddie so I could take Z to the ER to be sedated. She had attempted to pick a fight with me over bedtime, but I could tell it was anxiety about tomorrow - but she insisted on arguing about other things like me being late from a meeting earlier and not spending enough time with her. She had some valid points, but her anger was overblown for my little offenses. Finally, when I wouldn't give in to her need to fight with me, she broke down. Her sobbing and the intermittent visible urges to rage made it clear this wasn't about me running late. She cried like she would never be able to convince herself to stop. When I did get to her to look up me, the pain in her eyes was utter misery. Eventually, I talked her through it. I remain so calm in these situations that I surprise myself - I sometimes say to myself in my head "holy crap how are you not loosing it!?" I get into a "zone" when these things arise, both the terribly painful ones and the painfully terrible ones. I just go to center and know I have to remain calm...I must be the parent she needs; strong, calm, ever nurturing, unfazed by her sometimes repulsive behavior. I don't always begin that way. Tonights argument had me at first arguing back, but as she pushed to take the argument higher, I realized we weren't talking about bedtime anymore and then I let my end of the rope go. I went to center, she fell apart. After she pulled herself back out of that hell, she asked me to cook her some scrambled eggs and then promised to go to bed. I layed with her awhile and we didn't talk about tomorrow at all.
Tuesday night's release of "stuff" resulted in stiffled speech and stuttering. After letting some anxiety out, she cried silently and surprised me in quite a strange way by coming to me and sitting in my arms to let me hold her. In adoption terms, that is known as a breakthrough. A moment when the child claims you or clearly demonstrates that they see themselves as your child. Letting someone hold her is something she doesn't often do. I stroked her nearly bald head and just said "it will be ok." There are a million things I could say in moments like these, but sometimes the simplest is the most profound. As we sat there, I was struck with conflicting emotions - deep grief and gratitude. Grief for what she's been through and gratitude that I am finally here for her. When she finally stopped crying last night, she also stopped speaking. Any words she did speak were hard for her to get out, she stuttered forcefully to answer some of my questions about what she was feeling. It occured to me to acknowledge the difficulty she was having, I asked her if she knew why she was having trouble talking. With a couple of forced words and hand gestures, she expressed that if she started talking she was so angry that we'd end up having to call 911, so it was better for her to remain silent.
I grieve this. I mourn Missy. No person ever starts out this way. The things that we see now are the result of things that have happened to her. I mourn her life before I could protect her. Watching her pull out her own hair, one side is almost all gone now, seeing her have moments of real, brutal misery...I could say it's too much, but too much for what? There's no way through this except through it. There's no saying "uh, this is just too intense for me, sorry." I totally understand now the phrase some people use about adoption, particularly older child adoption, "this is a labor of love." Because the emotional pain is equated with the physical pain of child birth. You can't not have your baby once you're ready to deliver (believe me!) and you can't not birth your adopted child once you've claimed them as your own. As Zoey lets herself become mine (attaches), she has to let some of the pain out to let the love in. It's sort of a tragically beautiful thing - she's becoming a newer version of herself and Missy, with all of her tragedy, must be mourned and laid to rest.
Any doubts I had about the credibility of her accusations evaporated in the face of the misery I saw in her eyes these last two nights. Think what you will, torment like this can not be faked. Not on purpose. Not for attention. I didn't always know this, regretfully now I do.
As Zoey becomes more our daughter, letting go of past traumas and abandonments, as she attaches more deeply to us, what filled her up before has to go somewhere. As Missy becomes Zoey her "stuff" has to be released, a little at a time. These last two nights, I've been waist deep in it. Tomorrow morning, an investigator will be coming to gather more information about the incidents that occured last spring. This has triggered PTSD-like behaviors. Before she went to bed tonight, I really thought I was going to have to call in an emergency sitter for Maddie so I could take Z to the ER to be sedated. She had attempted to pick a fight with me over bedtime, but I could tell it was anxiety about tomorrow - but she insisted on arguing about other things like me being late from a meeting earlier and not spending enough time with her. She had some valid points, but her anger was overblown for my little offenses. Finally, when I wouldn't give in to her need to fight with me, she broke down. Her sobbing and the intermittent visible urges to rage made it clear this wasn't about me running late. She cried like she would never be able to convince herself to stop. When I did get to her to look up me, the pain in her eyes was utter misery. Eventually, I talked her through it. I remain so calm in these situations that I surprise myself - I sometimes say to myself in my head "holy crap how are you not loosing it!?" I get into a "zone" when these things arise, both the terribly painful ones and the painfully terrible ones. I just go to center and know I have to remain calm...I must be the parent she needs; strong, calm, ever nurturing, unfazed by her sometimes repulsive behavior. I don't always begin that way. Tonights argument had me at first arguing back, but as she pushed to take the argument higher, I realized we weren't talking about bedtime anymore and then I let my end of the rope go. I went to center, she fell apart. After she pulled herself back out of that hell, she asked me to cook her some scrambled eggs and then promised to go to bed. I layed with her awhile and we didn't talk about tomorrow at all.
Tuesday night's release of "stuff" resulted in stiffled speech and stuttering. After letting some anxiety out, she cried silently and surprised me in quite a strange way by coming to me and sitting in my arms to let me hold her. In adoption terms, that is known as a breakthrough. A moment when the child claims you or clearly demonstrates that they see themselves as your child. Letting someone hold her is something she doesn't often do. I stroked her nearly bald head and just said "it will be ok." There are a million things I could say in moments like these, but sometimes the simplest is the most profound. As we sat there, I was struck with conflicting emotions - deep grief and gratitude. Grief for what she's been through and gratitude that I am finally here for her. When she finally stopped crying last night, she also stopped speaking. Any words she did speak were hard for her to get out, she stuttered forcefully to answer some of my questions about what she was feeling. It occured to me to acknowledge the difficulty she was having, I asked her if she knew why she was having trouble talking. With a couple of forced words and hand gestures, she expressed that if she started talking she was so angry that we'd end up having to call 911, so it was better for her to remain silent.
I grieve this. I mourn Missy. No person ever starts out this way. The things that we see now are the result of things that have happened to her. I mourn her life before I could protect her. Watching her pull out her own hair, one side is almost all gone now, seeing her have moments of real, brutal misery...I could say it's too much, but too much for what? There's no way through this except through it. There's no saying "uh, this is just too intense for me, sorry." I totally understand now the phrase some people use about adoption, particularly older child adoption, "this is a labor of love." Because the emotional pain is equated with the physical pain of child birth. You can't not have your baby once you're ready to deliver (believe me!) and you can't not birth your adopted child once you've claimed them as your own. As Zoey lets herself become mine (attaches), she has to let some of the pain out to let the love in. It's sort of a tragically beautiful thing - she's becoming a newer version of herself and Missy, with all of her tragedy, must be mourned and laid to rest.
Any doubts I had about the credibility of her accusations evaporated in the face of the misery I saw in her eyes these last two nights. Think what you will, torment like this can not be faked. Not on purpose. Not for attention. I didn't always know this, regretfully now I do.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Choosing Zoey
*From my former blog*
I've decided to write a book. I've started it actually. Last Friday morning in the wee hours after arriving home from karaoke, I began typing the title and dedication pages, then Chapter 1. This morning, about 3 am, I lay in bed thinking about it more when inspiration struck to jot down a forward about why I am writing the book. So I grabbed my bedside notebook and let out some thoughts. The forward was inspired by my friend, Nicole, who blessed me with a powerful compliment and recognition of what I am doing. I've been told more and more lately how inspired others are by my story, which is profoundly humbling and an inspiration in and of itself to me to continue choosing Zoey, through all the craziness and seemingly hopeless struggles we face as her new parents. To know I have a cheering section makes it that much easier to overcome an obstacle...or an objection . Because on the other side of inspiration and admiration lies doubt. I've been confronted lately with powerful questions about why I am adopting a special needs child. Questions that I must answer if I am to show people the magic in what I am doing. There are many motivators and reasons I choose Zoey as my child. The beginning and ending reason being that I give her the gifts every child is entitled to, through giving her these gifts I am gifted in return. A wonderful by-product of this cyclical experience is that if I show those interested enough to watch this unfold, or to read my book, how I am doing it maybe they will see that they can do it, too. It's all about choosing love over fear, a capability we all have if we but remember. Every threat that has been made against me, every cruel word spoken, every attempt to reject me being her new parent has been rooted in fear. I absolutely believe that love is always stronger than fear, even when we forget that it is. My deepest hopes in choosing Zoey are that I will see her flourish and reach her highest possible level of independence, that she will let some of the pain go, now that she is safe to do so, choosing to love and be loved over fear. My deepest hope in writing my book is that people will see this possibility for living in love in their own lives and the world would then be the world I'd like to see all children living in.
Interestingly, Zoe, or Zoey as she chose to spell it, means life. Life, love, and God are all the same thing to me. I believe zoe calls to me to answer it, to affirm it, to demonstrate it, so I didn't choose Zoey to try to save the world, I choose Zoey to choose zoe.
By the way, the title of my book is "Choosing Zoey" - lol and Namaste.
I've decided to write a book. I've started it actually. Last Friday morning in the wee hours after arriving home from karaoke, I began typing the title and dedication pages, then Chapter 1. This morning, about 3 am, I lay in bed thinking about it more when inspiration struck to jot down a forward about why I am writing the book. So I grabbed my bedside notebook and let out some thoughts. The forward was inspired by my friend, Nicole, who blessed me with a powerful compliment and recognition of what I am doing. I've been told more and more lately how inspired others are by my story, which is profoundly humbling and an inspiration in and of itself to me to continue choosing Zoey, through all the craziness and seemingly hopeless struggles we face as her new parents. To know I have a cheering section makes it that much easier to overcome an obstacle...or an objection . Because on the other side of inspiration and admiration lies doubt. I've been confronted lately with powerful questions about why I am adopting a special needs child. Questions that I must answer if I am to show people the magic in what I am doing. There are many motivators and reasons I choose Zoey as my child. The beginning and ending reason being that I give her the gifts every child is entitled to, through giving her these gifts I am gifted in return. A wonderful by-product of this cyclical experience is that if I show those interested enough to watch this unfold, or to read my book, how I am doing it maybe they will see that they can do it, too. It's all about choosing love over fear, a capability we all have if we but remember. Every threat that has been made against me, every cruel word spoken, every attempt to reject me being her new parent has been rooted in fear. I absolutely believe that love is always stronger than fear, even when we forget that it is. My deepest hopes in choosing Zoey are that I will see her flourish and reach her highest possible level of independence, that she will let some of the pain go, now that she is safe to do so, choosing to love and be loved over fear. My deepest hope in writing my book is that people will see this possibility for living in love in their own lives and the world would then be the world I'd like to see all children living in.
Interestingly, Zoe, or Zoey as she chose to spell it, means life. Life, love, and God are all the same thing to me. I believe zoe calls to me to answer it, to affirm it, to demonstrate it, so I didn't choose Zoey to try to save the world, I choose Zoey to choose zoe.
By the way, the title of my book is "Choosing Zoey" - lol and Namaste.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Life's Little Rewards
*From my former blog*
It feels good to be back
My life has taken such a turn. Just a few short weeks ago I had found myself in the trenches of a depression the likes of which I hadn't felt in years. Especially surprising to me was that I found myself there in the midst of being a mom. I thought I would never again feel so dark after I had my daughter, getting pregnant alone was so joyful for me I thought I had a free pass good for a life time of bliss and despair free living. As it turns out, being a mom is a powerful motivator not to stay depressed, but I still have moments and experiences in life that will trip me up from time to time - as we all do.
A joy like no other
So, I've come out of the darkness again, and life is so sweet right now I can almost taste it! First I have to say, just for my own recollection later, my baby, Maddie, gives the best hugs I've ever had! I patted and rubbed her back from the first moments she was in my arms and when she gives me her little tiny hugs, she pats my back, or my shoulder, or my arm - where ever her little arm can reach. It's the most warm feeling. It literally feels like she reaches into my heart to tell me "slow down, Mom. Everything will be ok. Just enjoy me. Let's take each other in." Every single time she blesses me with one of those hugs, I instantly feel calm - no matter what I was doing - and just savor it. It feels me with peace and gratitude. It's awesome, really. I focused alot of light and love on Maddie while I was pregnant and these past 15 months, in fact typing that just now makes me think of the times I've yelled or gotten short with her and I think "why?" Why do I do that? I've gotten a little off track of my purpose of being a totally loving mom, especially since I went back to work and have had to focus on more than just motherhood. Thankfully, I've caught myself in the act of being a "mad mom" and it's not too late to let that go. I'm in carefree mode these days. The point I was going to make, though, is that I sent so much loving energy her way and now it gets reciprocated by way of her little loving hugs, it feels really good. Beyond words even. So, with that, I move on....
The upside of being down
I've been refocusing lately. One useful part of experiencing depression or something painful is that it can bring things into a sharper focus once you've moved on from it. For me, that sharper focus is on my career and on how I present myself to the world. For better or for worse, my strongest intention right now is to just be myself and if people can handle that - great! If not, ok but I've got a life to live. I'm putting my career as a life coach on priority status, along with some lifestyle changes. I went to the doctor Monday afternoon and was once again reminded, "you know you really should loose some weight..." Yeah, thanks for noticing! Uh, I hate being told that by my super slim physician....I wonder what he'd say if I asked him what his secret is. Hmmmm. Well, he was about a week late telling me this anyway. Last week, I started exercising and being more vigilant about what I'm eating. I have a long way to go, but I've begun. My overall intention is wellness for myself and my family, which includes more than just diet and exercise, I'm talking about total wellness - physical, spiritual, financial...I was working on putting a Life Coaching strategy together last spring, all about total wellness on a family scale. But I put that to rest as we stepped up our adoption plans. Now I think I'm going to continue working on it, as things with our oldest is getting smoother and smoother as the days go by.
Which leads me to Z
Missy is changing her name when we finalize to Zoey. She's begun using Z as a nickname. It fits her well. Things are going incredibly well for us now. We've gone through alot of crap to get this far, but now that we have I can breathe easier knowing she's settling in with us, growing more attached. We count our blessings to one another once and awhile and when she counts "having a family" and "having people that love me" it makes me want to melt. Earlier tonight, we were spending some quality time together and she was reading me some songs she had written. She then explained one song was inspired by me talking to her about not giving up on something that you really believe in. She told me that when she wrote the song, she felt like she wanted to give up but remembered me telling her how important it is to stand up and fight for what you believe in. I felt claimed as her mother just a little bit more in that moment. That's the kind of thing mothers teach their children and children that respect their mothers, take their mother's advice. Getting back to the song and the theme of it, the significance I see in it is that one of my hardest fights of all has been for her. I've done it, I've become her Mom. I've done what several women before me have tried to do but gave up. The song "God Bless the Broken Road" comes to mind...."God bless the broken road that led me straight to you..."
To the victor go the spoils
My girls give the best hugs around. They each have about a 1000 watt smile. To see Maddie growing up from a fresh little peanut into a little girl, running around, laughing, climbing on everything she can manage to figure out how to - it's amazing. Maddie is our miracle, in progress. And Z. She is turning out just as I knew she would, all it took is hanging in with her long enough for her to relax. Under all of the heartache, under all of the problems, she is just as much a miracle as any child - perhaps even a bit more so given that she has survived more tradegy than most people twice her age. She is happy more days than depressed now. She gives more hugs than threats now and more smiles than scowls. I came home from work one night to find a note stuck to the front door - "I love you, Mom" is all it said, but it says everything to me.
Life is so sweet. Namaste.
It feels good to be back
My life has taken such a turn. Just a few short weeks ago I had found myself in the trenches of a depression the likes of which I hadn't felt in years. Especially surprising to me was that I found myself there in the midst of being a mom. I thought I would never again feel so dark after I had my daughter, getting pregnant alone was so joyful for me I thought I had a free pass good for a life time of bliss and despair free living. As it turns out, being a mom is a powerful motivator not to stay depressed, but I still have moments and experiences in life that will trip me up from time to time - as we all do.
A joy like no other
So, I've come out of the darkness again, and life is so sweet right now I can almost taste it! First I have to say, just for my own recollection later, my baby, Maddie, gives the best hugs I've ever had! I patted and rubbed her back from the first moments she was in my arms and when she gives me her little tiny hugs, she pats my back, or my shoulder, or my arm - where ever her little arm can reach. It's the most warm feeling. It literally feels like she reaches into my heart to tell me "slow down, Mom. Everything will be ok. Just enjoy me. Let's take each other in." Every single time she blesses me with one of those hugs, I instantly feel calm - no matter what I was doing - and just savor it. It feels me with peace and gratitude. It's awesome, really. I focused alot of light and love on Maddie while I was pregnant and these past 15 months, in fact typing that just now makes me think of the times I've yelled or gotten short with her and I think "why?" Why do I do that? I've gotten a little off track of my purpose of being a totally loving mom, especially since I went back to work and have had to focus on more than just motherhood. Thankfully, I've caught myself in the act of being a "mad mom" and it's not too late to let that go. I'm in carefree mode these days. The point I was going to make, though, is that I sent so much loving energy her way and now it gets reciprocated by way of her little loving hugs, it feels really good. Beyond words even. So, with that, I move on....
The upside of being down
I've been refocusing lately. One useful part of experiencing depression or something painful is that it can bring things into a sharper focus once you've moved on from it. For me, that sharper focus is on my career and on how I present myself to the world. For better or for worse, my strongest intention right now is to just be myself and if people can handle that - great! If not, ok but I've got a life to live. I'm putting my career as a life coach on priority status, along with some lifestyle changes. I went to the doctor Monday afternoon and was once again reminded, "you know you really should loose some weight..." Yeah, thanks for noticing! Uh, I hate being told that by my super slim physician....I wonder what he'd say if I asked him what his secret is. Hmmmm. Well, he was about a week late telling me this anyway. Last week, I started exercising and being more vigilant about what I'm eating. I have a long way to go, but I've begun. My overall intention is wellness for myself and my family, which includes more than just diet and exercise, I'm talking about total wellness - physical, spiritual, financial...I was working on putting a Life Coaching strategy together last spring, all about total wellness on a family scale. But I put that to rest as we stepped up our adoption plans. Now I think I'm going to continue working on it, as things with our oldest is getting smoother and smoother as the days go by.
Which leads me to Z
Missy is changing her name when we finalize to Zoey. She's begun using Z as a nickname. It fits her well. Things are going incredibly well for us now. We've gone through alot of crap to get this far, but now that we have I can breathe easier knowing she's settling in with us, growing more attached. We count our blessings to one another once and awhile and when she counts "having a family" and "having people that love me" it makes me want to melt. Earlier tonight, we were spending some quality time together and she was reading me some songs she had written. She then explained one song was inspired by me talking to her about not giving up on something that you really believe in. She told me that when she wrote the song, she felt like she wanted to give up but remembered me telling her how important it is to stand up and fight for what you believe in. I felt claimed as her mother just a little bit more in that moment. That's the kind of thing mothers teach their children and children that respect their mothers, take their mother's advice. Getting back to the song and the theme of it, the significance I see in it is that one of my hardest fights of all has been for her. I've done it, I've become her Mom. I've done what several women before me have tried to do but gave up. The song "God Bless the Broken Road" comes to mind...."God bless the broken road that led me straight to you..."
To the victor go the spoils
My girls give the best hugs around. They each have about a 1000 watt smile. To see Maddie growing up from a fresh little peanut into a little girl, running around, laughing, climbing on everything she can manage to figure out how to - it's amazing. Maddie is our miracle, in progress. And Z. She is turning out just as I knew she would, all it took is hanging in with her long enough for her to relax. Under all of the heartache, under all of the problems, she is just as much a miracle as any child - perhaps even a bit more so given that she has survived more tradegy than most people twice her age. She is happy more days than depressed now. She gives more hugs than threats now and more smiles than scowls. I came home from work one night to find a note stuck to the front door - "I love you, Mom" is all it said, but it says everything to me.
Life is so sweet. Namaste.
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