Just Breathe

*From my former blog*

I titled this entry "Just Breathe..." because it's been a rough week and several times I've had to tell myself exactly that. The list of things I could address here is practically endless, so I'll just touch on the highlights.

Thank God school starts next week!
Zoey and I attended Open House at the high school tonight. I am so relieved summer vacation is nearly over and she will be back in school. She does so well with structure and I am very glad to have the "break" during the day while she's at school. Whether or not I will be able to get back to a fuller work schedule has yet to be determined. A few variables on that subject include whether or not she is going to settle in well enough not to be constantly calling me from school (allowing me to work undisturbed) and also whether or not I will be immersed in training to be a Certified Life Coach. Dan is supporting me on getting the training - Thank you, honey! - so now it boils down to fitting that into our budget and our schedule. If I can make it work, I will be pursuing that while keeping my hours at my current job at a very casual pace. I know my current employer is wanting to know my intentions, they've been very good these last 4 months since Zoey moved in letting me work such restricted hours, I hope to have my plan worked out soon. But for now, I'm just looking forward to next Wednesday!

Trichotillowhata?
With the start of school next week, we had to do something about Zoey's hair. The name of the condition she has developed is trichotillomania. Which is "recurrent pulling out of ones hair resulting in noticeable hair loss." At the Open House tonight, pictures were being taken for student ID's and school pictures. So, Monday morning, Zoey and I went wig shopping. We ended up finding a great looking red and black one at the Halloween store in the Mall. It's a very modern, very stylish cut and it's black and red streaks, which is a popular way of coloring these days. For $15 it looks incredibly more expensive and realistic. We needed something for pictures. This works. Earlier today, she had me cut off the remaining strands of longer hair she had. Her pulling has been mostly on the left side, but as that thinned she worked her way around to the right and back, leaving only a small patch of longer, unpulled hair. That is now gone. I tried to trim it up so it would look like she just has a very short style, it actually makes her whole head look better to have it all short as opposed to balding on one side and long on the other. She thinks it looks terrible. I wonder if that will be incentive for her to stop pulling....time will tell I guess. She did tell me before bed that it's harder for her to pull the shorter hair, so maybe it will help.

Shooting in the dark
Trichotillomania is associated with OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Among all of the other things we're dealing with, we're trying to put our fingers on exactly what Zoey's diagnoses are. We've seen more OCD behaviors, including the hair pulling and an incessant need to do things when reason might dictate otherwise; poor impulse control. I feel more like an arm chair psychiatrist than ever before! We have strong suspicions of Asperger's Syndrome as well. The list of possible conditions and disorders of this child is virtually endless! And everything seems interrelated, too! It's like "is this behavior being caused by her inability to understand because of her low IQ or is she behaving so defiantly because of ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)?" Dan said it best, it's like we're shooting in the dark. It's extremely difficult to parent a child and address challenging behaviors that we don't fully know the reason's for. But we are learning, even if we don't have accurate diagnoses, what works with her and what does not. One thing we've found helpful is to use visual means of explaining things to her, drawing a picture of something for example. In many ways, I feel like Anne Sullivan to Zoey's Hellen Keller-like situation. For 15 years this girl has had no one steady in her life to help her communicate and navigate a world she clearly doesn't understand. I find myself wondering which came first, the proverbial "Chicken or Egg" question - did her 15 years of trauma and neglect cause all of these disorders or did her disorders exsist first? Which then caused the maladaptive behavior that scared prospective caregivers away (resulting in the additional trauma of multiple abandonments) leading to further disorders! I suppose we may never know, but either way it seems almost unbearably sad. Then again, if we get a real handle on her diagnoses and treat her in a way that builds on her strengths, maybe we will see that the question isn't as important as what the result will be. If Anne and Hellen could find their way, Zoey, Dan, and I certainly have some hope.

Good things
I've worked out more this week, been getting better sleep, too. I've had more energy and more ambition to live healthy. I cleaned my den last weekend, too, and let me tell you - the difference I feel when I am in here is extraordinary! I feel like it's easier for me to focus on what I need to get done. I can now have Maddie in here with me while I'm working because there is room for her to sit and play on the floor...she still gets into things, like my books, which are on shelves low enough and open for her easy access, but it's all good. I've been staying on task so well this week, I've even been making my bed each day! I scrubbed my kitchen floor on Tuesday and have managed to keep each days chores to a manageable schedule. Zoey's even had 3 solid days of loosing NO points on her behavior modification plan! So, although life has been hectic with wrapping up the summer and trying to determine all of Zoey's disorders, we're still doing ok. We just breathe and life goes on.