Life's Little Rewards

*From my former blog*

It feels good to be back
My life has taken such a turn. Just a few short weeks ago I had found myself in the trenches of a depression the likes of which I hadn't felt in years. Especially surprising to me was that I found myself there in the midst of being a mom. I thought I would never again feel so dark after I had my daughter, getting pregnant alone was so joyful for me I thought I had a free pass good for a life time of bliss and despair free living. As it turns out, being a mom is a powerful motivator not to stay depressed, but I still have moments and experiences in life that will trip me up from time to time - as we all do.

A joy like no other
So, I've come out of the darkness again, and life is so sweet right now I can almost taste it! First I have to say, just for my own recollection later, my baby, Maddie, gives the best hugs I've ever had! I patted and rubbed her back from the first moments she was in my arms and when she gives me her little tiny hugs, she pats my back, or my shoulder, or my arm - where ever her little arm can reach. It's the most warm feeling. It literally feels like she reaches into my heart to tell me "slow down, Mom. Everything will be ok. Just enjoy me. Let's take each other in." Every single time she blesses me with one of those hugs, I instantly feel calm - no matter what I was doing - and just savor it. It feels me with peace and gratitude. It's awesome, really. I focused alot of light and love on Maddie while I was pregnant and these past 15 months, in fact typing that just now makes me think of the times I've yelled or gotten short with her and I think "why?" Why do I do that? I've gotten a little off track of my purpose of being a totally loving mom, especially since I went back to work and have had to focus on more than just motherhood. Thankfully, I've caught myself in the act of being a "mad mom" and it's not too late to let that go. I'm in carefree mode these days. The point I was going to make, though, is that I sent so much loving energy her way and now it gets reciprocated by way of her little loving hugs, it feels really good. Beyond words even. So, with that, I move on....

The upside of being down
I've been refocusing lately. One useful part of experiencing depression or something painful is that it can bring things into a sharper focus once you've moved on from it. For me, that sharper focus is on my career and on how I present myself to the world. For better or for worse, my strongest intention right now is to just be myself and if people can handle that - great! If not, ok but I've got a life to live. I'm putting my career as a life coach on priority status, along with some lifestyle changes. I went to the doctor Monday afternoon and was once again reminded, "you know you really should loose some weight..." Yeah, thanks for noticing! Uh, I hate being told that by my super slim physician....I wonder what he'd say if I asked him what his secret is. Hmmmm. Well, he was about a week late telling me this anyway. Last week, I started exercising and being more vigilant about what I'm eating. I have a long way to go, but I've begun. My overall intention is wellness for myself and my family, which includes more than just diet and exercise, I'm talking about total wellness - physical, spiritual, financial...I was working on putting a Life Coaching strategy together last spring, all about total wellness on a family scale. But I put that to rest as we stepped up our adoption plans. Now I think I'm going to continue working on it, as things with our oldest is getting smoother and smoother as the days go by.

Which leads me to Z
Missy is changing her name when we finalize to Zoey. She's begun using Z as a nickname. It fits her well. Things are going incredibly well for us now. We've gone through alot of crap to get this far, but now that we have I can breathe easier knowing she's settling in with us, growing more attached. We count our blessings to one another once and awhile and when she counts "having a family" and "having people that love me" it makes me want to melt. Earlier tonight, we were spending some quality time together and she was reading me some songs she had written. She then explained one song was inspired by me talking to her about not giving up on something that you really believe in. She told me that when she wrote the song, she felt like she wanted to give up but remembered me telling her how important it is to stand up and fight for what you believe in. I felt claimed as her mother just a little bit more in that moment. That's the kind of thing mothers teach their children and children that respect their mothers, take their mother's advice. Getting back to the song and the theme of it, the significance I see in it is that one of my hardest fights of all has been for her. I've done it, I've become her Mom. I've done what several women before me have tried to do but gave up. The song "God Bless the Broken Road" comes to mind...."God bless the broken road that led me straight to you..."

To the victor go the spoils
My girls give the best hugs around. They each have about a 1000 watt smile. To see Maddie growing up from a fresh little peanut into a little girl, running around, laughing, climbing on everything she can manage to figure out how to - it's amazing. Maddie is our miracle, in progress. And Z. She is turning out just as I knew she would, all it took is hanging in with her long enough for her to relax. Under all of the heartache, under all of the problems, she is just as much a miracle as any child - perhaps even a bit more so given that she has survived more tradegy than most people twice her age. She is happy more days than depressed now. She gives more hugs than threats now and more smiles than scowls. I came home from work one night to find a note stuck to the front door - "I love you, Mom" is all it said, but it says everything to me.

Life is so sweet. Namaste.